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| THE LIGHT ENTHRALLED BY THE DARKNESS | | | | | | | | |
| Chapter 24 - "Dirty little secret" | | | |
Translation: Severus_divides_into_H
Beta Reader: Leviosahex
Thank you girls!
24. Dirty little secret
We keep this secret in our blood
We pass just close enough to touch
We love in secret names
We hide within our veins
The things that keep us bound to one another
There is a secret that we keep
I won't sleep if you won't sleep
We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden*
“... to take care of Slimeaters? How could he tell us to do that? They are even more boring than Flobberworms! And I thought nothing is more boring than those damned Flobberworms!’’ Ron rattled on and on as he and Harry were going to the History of Magic. “And did you see how much Hermione’s been eating lately? Something is wrong with her. She ate ten sandwiches today! Can you imagine? Ten! After all, it... Hey, Harry! What’s wrong with you? Are you listening to me at all?”
“Yeah... Hermione ate ten Flobberworms,” Harry muttered, his thoughts far, far away, namely - in Snape’s chambers.
He’d tried everything, even imagining Filch dancing the waltz with Mrs. Norris, accompanied by a snoring Fang, but nothing helped. He was haunted by memories – and by a dream he’d had last night. Damn, it was two nights ago when he’d run out of the Dreamless Sleep Potion! Yesterday he’d wanted to ask Snape for another bottle, but considering the circumstances... Well, it could be said that he’d been completely absorbed by other matters and had no time to even think about it. Now, the dream was only a blurry collage of images mixed with each other, but it was sufficiently clear to haunt his thoughts, following him even in his waking state. He remembered seeing Snape in that dream... Snape had fucked him, just like he had yesterday. It was as if Harry had been watching his own memories in a Pensieve. But at the very end, when Harry had dropped to his knees, Severus hadn't come all over his face - he had leaned over to him and... kissed him. Harry could still feel the pleasant tartness of those lips pressed gently to his mouth. When he thought of that, his stomach did a flip flop. When he’d woken up... he’d been so shocked and excited that, without thinking long, he'd finished the job and, to the accompaniment of silent cries, came in his hand.
He had then lay for a long time, trying to take control of all the mess in his head. He wondered why he'd had a dream like that. Maybe because Snape had never given him it? But, he remembered his excitement last night. He remembered his wild desire. He didn't approve of it, but he tried to understand it. He tried to fight it, but he knew it was futile. He loved those things - he couldn't deny it, so why had he dreamt of... tenderness? He thought he didn't need it... but then suddenly Harry was struck with memories. Memories of how he had fought for every hug, every kiss - for a feeling of intimacy. All those faltering steps he had made, despite the prevailing wind and constants obstacles; all the time longing for it, wishing he'd had it. Why did he want it if apparently he liked... brutality?
He delved deeper. He recalled the rapture he'd felt when Snape was fucking him just before the bashing. He remembered his own shame and... excitement. So why then had he rushed to kiss him? It was stronger than him.
All those feelings were connected in some strange way, mixed together so much that they seemed to be exactly the same. It reminded him of two sprouts of ivy alternately wrapping one around another. Harry remembered a picture - a circle with a wavy line dividing it into two parts - black and white, and in each of them there was a tiny circle in the color of the second half - like an eye. They looked as if they were penetrating, wrapping and dancing around each other. They formed a unity. He couldn't remember what the sign meant, but this was how he imagined his feelings at this moment.
The solution lay somewhere in between, and every time he approached it, it seemed to flee. He tried to understand, but every thought immediately broke into the chaos that reigned in his head.
Ron nudged him.
"Yes, you're right," Harry muttered, rising from the depths of thought.
"I am?" his astonished friend asked. ''But I said nothing.''
"What?" Harry blinked a few times, trying to figure out the situation.
"Are you even here, Harry?" Ron said, looking at him attentively. "You are behaving strangely today. You don't hear what people say to you. And on top of that, you don’t seem to care that we are already late for the next lesson."
"The lesson?" the Gryffindor asked, still feeling as if he'd been hit with Confundus spell.
Ron rolled his eyes.
"The History of Magic. And what did you think? That we were going to dinner?"
"I'm not hungry," Harry muttered, trying to focus on conversation and fight thoughts that were stretching their tentacles to him.
Ron stopped and looked at him thoughtfully, shaking his head.
"Your behavior probably has something to do with Snape," he said after a moment.
Harry stiffened and felt his face begin to burn. He stopped abruptly. For a moment, he had the impression that the whole world had disintegrated into a fine dust. A thousand thoughts went through his head at once.
How did he know? Had he just guessed? Had Hermione regained her memory and told him? Or maybe he discovered..?
"I'm sure that he has slipped something to your drink during detention - some poison or Confusing Potion... In revenge for what you said in class. You know what Snape is like."
Harry felt so relieved that his knees buckled. He smiled involuntarily, but when Ron caught up with him, he made his face take a neutral expression.
"No, it's all right. It’s probably the weather," he mumbled. "I've just got the blues."
Ron looked at him uncertainly.
"Well... well, good. But let’s hurry, because Hermione will run us down for being late. Binns probably hasn’t even noticed we aren't there. If it wasn't for her, then we could go back to the dormitory and have a little nap," he sighed heavily and shuffled forward.
*
Harry tried not to close his eyes, because as soon as he did, images of sex from the previous night began to overtake him. He couldn't stop it. Professor Binns' monotonous voice made his mind drift into a state similar to sleeping whilst still awake. Harry frequently thought that this teacher could have a pretty good career as a hypnotist. Nobody could make someone fall asleep better than he. Harry could hear snoring coming from somewhere behind him, and the quiet creaking of Hermione's quill. She was sitting beside him and was probably the only one in the whole class who was writing down what the ghost was telling them. Harry really had to concentrate to hear what the teacher was saying, but his thoughts slipped away after only five minutes. It had always been like that, and today the situation was even worse.
Ron snored, too. Harry looked up just in time to see how Hermione nudged him with her elbow and whispered her reprimands angrily. She sat between them because she knew that if they sat together, instead of listening to the professor, they would be playing Exploding Snap the entire lesson.
But not today. Harry was so engrossed in thoughts that almost nothing could reach him. In his imagination, Severus bent to his ear and whispered to him all the wonderful, exciting things...
Just one magic word. The word that will make you moan and beg for more, the word that will grind your senses to dust, that will lead you to madness. One word. One spell.
His cock twitched. Harry closed his eyes - he couldn't resist. Hot whispers in his ear... A cool hand brushing his stiff erection and pushing finger into...
With the greatest difficulty, he stifled the groan that wanted to escape his mouth. He felt he was hard, and his cheeks were burning. Suddenly, the room became impossibly hot.
No, damn it! He must calm down. He was in a lesson now! He couldn't... become aroused.
Abruptly, he opened his eyes, feeling dizzy, and took several deep breaths, trying to force his body to... relax. As in a dream, he reached into his pocket and took out his green stone. He clenched it in his hand and sent a message:
Damn, I can't concentrate on the lesson. I can think only about how you were fucking me yesterday. Till now I was becoming hard only in Potions, and now I'm hard even in the History of Magic.
Harry hid the gem. He knew he probably wouldn't receive a reply, because Snape never answered to such things, but still...
He stiffened suddenly, feeling the heat emanating from his pocket. Quickly he took the stone and read the message:
Potter, I'm lecturing a class now.
He smiled to himself. He had to do it. He couldn't help it.
Pity. I was just going to tell you how I masturbated this morning, thinking about you. But, in that case, I will not disturb you.
He froze, feeling his heart beating with excitement. He stared at the jewel with such intensity that his eyes almost started to get moist.
There it was! The stone glowed a warm glow. In the middle there were only two short words:
Tell me.
Harry smiled triumphantly. One point to him!
He clenched the jewel in his hand, closed his eyes and mentally returned to that moment:
I slid my hand into pyjama pants and took my cock in my hand. It was already hard from the moment I woke up and remembered the previous evening. I imagined that it was your hand. I wanted to do it slowly, but I couldn't. I was so aroused. I was jerking it off, thinking of you and how you were thrusting in me yesterday. And then...
"Harry, stop rummaging under the bench and listen to the teacher!" Hermione hissed, looking up at him from her notes with disapproval. Harry barely managed to return to reality. His head was spinning. He looked at his friend and nodded slightly, before taking his quill in his hand and began pretending that he was writing something. At the same time, he felt a warmth in his other hand. When Hermione stopped paying attention, he glanced under the bench and read:
What happened next?
His heart leaped in his chest. He felt more and more excited. There was something... amazing in what they were doing. They were flirting with each other. During a lesson. Harry could easily imagine Severus sitting at his desk in a classroom full of students and reading the messages he'd sent to him. Or maybe even... Harry licked his lips ...maybe Snape was also hard when he imagined Harry doing all these things? He closed his eyes again and continued:
Then I sped up, squeezing it as hard as you always do. I wished you really were there with me. I imagined that it was your hand touching my cock, and then... then... Damn it, say it... I felt the touch of your tongue, coming full circle around the head...and then I felt such a great explosion that I couldn't control myself. I climaxed on the duvet and almost fainted with pleasure and... Shit, fuck off, Hermione!
Harry blinked a few times, as if being withdrawn from his lethargy, quickly put the stone in his pocket and looked angrily at his constantly prodding friend:
"What now?" he growled, unable to hide his annoyance.
Hermione gave him a nasty look.
"It is a lesson, Harry! You should listen and take notes, and not play with something under the bench! What have you got there?" she asked, and before he could stop her, she looked under the bench. Harry rapidly covered his erection, clearly visible under the material of his trousers, but it was too late. Hermione’s eyes widened and looked at him as if he had suddenly turned into a pile of dragon dung.
"Harry, were you doing what I think you were?" she asked in a trembling voice, straightening up quickly. She was so red that it seemed she would start evaporating soon. And Harry knew he looked exactly the same.
"Of course not," he mumbled vaguely, feeling hot and trying to quickly come up with some plausible excuse, but he felt that his brain had turned to mush. "I just... well... hmm... "
The girl looked at him with revulsion and said in a strangely vibrating voice:
"I think you're disgusting!" She pointedly turned away from him and began scraping the parchment so furiously that she almost broke her quill. Her cheeks seemed to flame.
Harry stared at the desktop. He tried to control the raging flames of shame inside.
Great. Now Hermione thinks he was a pervert who was satisfying himself during lessons, under his desk. That was just the last straw...
After a while, he realized that, for some time, he'd been feeling a warmth in his pocket. He glanced nervously at his friend and noticed Ron looking at him strangely. He smiled at him uncertainly, then turned his head and looked at the wooden top. His hands were itching, but he was afraid that if he put his hand under the table, Hermione would think some shit again. He decided to wait until the end of classes. It was difficult, because the stone scorched him even more. Therefore, when the lesson was over, Harry quickly packed up, threw over his shoulder "I have to go the bathroom!" and almost ran out of the classroom, ignoring Ron's surprised look and Hermione’s embarrassed one.
When he was safe, shut in a bathroom cubicle, he took out the stone and read:
Well, well, Potter. It was extremely... stimulating. But someone should teach Miss Granger not to interfere with... stimulating conversations.
Harry smiled to himself.
***
When he got out of the bathroom, his friends were nowhere to be seen. He had hoped they would wait for him, but then he remembered how Hermione had been looking at him, and he immediately gave up that option. How could he wriggle out of it now? What could he tell her? Maybe it'd be better to just wait until she came round. After all, she knew him - she knew that he would never jerk off under the table. And especially - during a lesson.
Hmm... but considering he fucked with Snape, he was probably capable of anything...
Harry sighed and slowly moved ahead. The lessons were over, and there was still some time before dinner. He was so lost in his thoughts that it was only after a few moments he realized that someone was calling on him. He looked around the hallway and noticed Luna walking in his direction. Although "walking" was not the right word that could fully capture that leaping dance step. Every now and then, she rotated, spreading out her hands. The few students who had the misfortune to pass by tried to stick as close to the walls as they could. Luna jumped up and landed on both feet just before Harry. She smiled radiantly, and pointed at herself:
"It's the only way the Iberian Gwindales won't follow me. They've been bothering me terribly. Even the pate doesn't help."
"What?" Harry tried to tune in to the same wavelength where the Ravenclaw's brain was drawing information from.
"You have to cut it in small balls, then bake them till they become crisp, and then make a necklace from them. They hate the smell. I'm just not sure whether it should be the goose or the rabbit pate. I have the rabbit one, but it doesn't work, so it's probably wrong. But the goose pate hasn't been served for dinner for a long time, and I don't know the way to the kitchen. Maybe you have an idea where I could get a little?"
Harry shook his head, too overwhelmed by the absolute conviction in her voice to respond with anything sensible.
"Well, I will ask my dad to send me some," Luna smiled. "If you want, I can share it with you. The best is the one with onion."
Harry shook his head. Meetings with Luna always made him aware that the world would be really boring if everyone was... ordinary.
"Maybe you have a necklace, or something, which would make people stop thinking I'm a pervert?" he said with a sigh. Luna looked as if she was really thinking about it.
"I think the best way is castration," she responded with absolute sincerity. "I heard my Muggle aunt saying that the only way to cure perverts is with castration. I don't know what that is, but as soon as I find it I'll definitely add it to my collection," she smiled disarmingly. "It may come in handy, in case I meet any."
"Thanks, that helped a lot," Harry mumbled, staring at the floor. Luna frowned and looked at him for a moment, then said:
"You are behaving strangely. What happened?"
Harry shook his head. He didn't want to tell her about his latest humiliation. But it seemed that the Ravenclaw was not going to be dismissed easily.
"Does this have anything to do with Professor Snape?" she asked in a neutral tone. Harry jerked his head up and looked at her wide-eyed.
"How do you... "
"I've just had lessons with him. He was behaving very strangely too."
"Strangely how?" he asked, feeling his heart speed up.
"He was... distracted. I told him that a few Iberian Gwindales had fallen into my cauldron, because instead of pink, it turned blue, but he behaved as though he didn't hear me. And all the time he was doing something under his desk," Luna shrugged. "Well, you're a couple, so I thought that..."
"Shhh," Harry hissed, looking around. "Not so loud. And we... we are not a couple," he mumbled, blushing.
"No?" Luna looked puzzled. "Maybe I know nothing, but I thought that if you think about someone all the time, regularly meet with them, even if it's on detentions, and have sex with each other, it means you're a couple. We were a couple, even without sex," she smiled. "It was very nice," she added. "We could do it again if you ever need a girlfriend. But not now, because... " she hesitated for a moment, but quickly continued, grinning madly "...because it would be a betrayal."
Harry had the impression that his face turned into a red-hot lump of coal.
What should he say? She was right. Although he didn't fully understand what it had to do with betrayal, but now he was too overwhelmed to think about it.
"It's just... complicated," he mumbled. "I guess you wouldn't understand."
"I don't think so," she said thoughtfully. "I am an expert in complicated cases."
"But you don't know how it feels when someone rejects you all the time, treats you like a brat, and every time you get close to him, everything becomes so confusing that it leaves you with a mess in your head," Harry burst out.
Luna's smile faded only slightly.
"I know," she said. Harry looked at her with surprise, but before he could open his mouth again, the Ravenclaw was already a few steps from him, waving him good-bye. "Bye, Harry," then she began to move away, jumping and spinning in circles.
Harry watched her for a moment, trying to understand what she could have meant, but soon his mind was once again dominated by the dark person of Snape.
***
At dinner, Hermione was sitting a large distance from him trying to ignore him, and Harry was too embarrassed to try making conversation with her. Ron was sitting between them, looking from one to the other in confusion.
At some point, he couldn't stand it and asked:
"Can anyone tell me what happened? Because both of you are behaving strangely."
Harry glanced at his friend, and their eyes met. Hermione blushed and turned her head away sharply.
"Nothing," Harry muttered. Ron frowned.
"Sure," he grunted and began to poke a fork in his mashed potatoes.
The atmosphere wasn't very pleasant. Harry even had to do his lessons alone, because as soon as Hermione came across him, she reddened and immediately fled to her dormitory. Ron scowled at him, which didn't help in writing the essay together. Finally, Ron threw his pen quill aside, collected his books, muttered "good night", and went to the boy’s dormitory leaving Harry alone with his thoughts. Under such conditions, he couldn't completely focus on writing his Transfiguration essay, so after a while he pushed the parchment away and just stared at fire. In the Common Room, there was relative silence, since most students were doing their lessons, but sometimes someone would burst out laughing or start talking animatedly about something. Harry sighed and lay down comfortably on the couch in front of the fireplace. He stared at the flames cracking quietly and let his mind drift into a river of memories and images. The sounds became more distant.
Although he was surrounded by people, he felt... lonely. Hermione was completely offended, Ron, for unknown reasons, also began to avoid him. Everything was so... confusing. Once he had loved to sit here with the others, playing with Seamus, joking with Dean, and even helping Neville to study. But lately things had changed. He felt as though a glass wall had grown between him and the rest of the students, alienating him. Even Ron and Hermione... It was no longer as it'd been before, when he spent almost every free moment with them. Now, being with them had become tiresome and annoying. He had to be constantly on alert, had to lie and make up excuses. He had to pretend to be someone else. And if he lost vigilance... something like today would happen. Harry still remembered the conversation he had with Hermione in the hospital, and her reaction. He knew she would never understand. That no one would understand. Perhaps with the exception of Luna who was able to accept almost everything, and the more abnormal it was, the better.
His vision blurred, the flames became only a faint glow, gently radiating with heat and warming his face. A fire was the same everywhere... If he closed his eyes, he could imagine that it was Snape's fireplace, that he was in his chambers now, and Severus was putting his arms around him from behind and touching his cock... Oh, yes... There he was safe. There, he felt... free.
The green stone suddenly appeared in his hand. He didn't know how or when it happened. He clenched his fingers on it and sent the first thought that came to his mind:
I miss you so much.
There was no response. He knew he wouldn't receive one - Severus was probably too busy to answer such..."tearful confessions," as he would probably describe them. Harry smiled involuntarily, and then sighed softly. Maybe he hadn’t even read it...
He opened his eyes, relaxed his fingers, and again stared at the flames dancing freely. It was incredibly quiet, as if there was no one around. Harry felt the desire embracing his heart, desire that attempted to break through and escape. He really wanted to go to him, even now. To feel that severe look of dark eyes, to see that crooked smile, to hear that voice - biting, yet strangely gentle... for Snape. "I'm busy, Potter," he would say, and shut the door in his face. Or maybe not... maybe he would pull him inside, and without a word bite into his neck and unbutton his trousers, gasping with impatience in his ear. Because he needed him just as Harry needed him...
Involuntarily, he clenched his fingers on the gem.
I just want to see you.
Silence. As if his thoughts went straight to nowhere. Apparently, Snape didn't need him so much... Perhaps he didn't even think about him, and was currently working on some complicated potion, irritated that Harry was bothering him.
No, it wasn't true. He chose to believe that Snape was sitting before the fireplace and also staring into the flames... waiting for Harry to come to him... But he didn't send back a message because he didn’t want to admit that's what he wanted. Yes, it would be just like him...
Harry clenched his hand again on the stone.
Would you... would you... doesn't matter.
He waited. The bright streaks swirled in the depths of soothing emerald. He saw in it a reflection of his eyes. And then, he saw the light. His heart suddenly leaped. The message appeared in the stone.
What would I?
Harry swallowed hard. His hands began to tremble suddenly and he couldn't control it. He closed his eyes and thought:
Would you... would you like to see me?
He froze with his heart beating frantically, as if his life depended on the answer. He had the feeling that centuries had passed before the stone warmed up again.
We saw each other yesterday, Potter, and tomorrow you have detention. This means we're going to see each other then.
He felt as if a bucket of ice water had been poured over his back. Well, he hadn't expected this kind of response. As always, Severus cleverly managed to get out of his question.
He felt a tingling sensation on his skin when he clenched his fist and, ignoring the burning under his eyelids, sent:
Right. I'm sorry, that was stupid... I know that we'll see each other tomorrow... Why the hell did I send it to him? What did I expect? Damn, not now! I understand. Detention. Tomorrow...
He dropped the stone quickly, nervously realizing how meaningless and chaotic thoughts he'd sent. What a shame! He made a fool of himself! Fuck, what will Snape think of him now?
Harry felt the taste of blood in his mouth - he'd bitten his lips painfully. He looked at the stone and his heart began to beat again like crazy when he saw the green light. He raised it with trembling fingers, lifted it to his eyes and when he read the message, his eyes widened in absolute disbelief and began to shine as much as the stone he held in his hand. He felt the warmth touching his heart, embracing and soothing him, driving away the longing and sadness. An affectionate smile formed on his lips. He lifted his head and unseeingly stared into the fire that suddenly seemed so cool in comparison to the heat incinerating him from the inside.
He sighed deeply, lay down comfortably, pulled his knees up under his chin and pressed his cheek to the still hot surface of the green gem. Flames reflected on it’s smooth surface, bouncing off the words as they melted slowly:
Shhh... It's all right, Potter, I'll take care of you tomorrow.
* "The Secret's In The Telling" by Dashboard Confessional
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