34. You have no idea

 

You make this all go away
You make this all go way
I just want something
I just want something I can never have *

 

"What are you doing in my room, Severus??

Snape frowned. Piercing Harry with a stare that could cut glass, he hissed:

"In your ro...?? Snape stopped, gritted his teeth, and without thinking for a long time, he grabbed Harry by the shirt, pulled him up, pushed him against the wall and slammed the door.

When Harry finally managed to hold onto the wall, having the impression that the floor was shaking and trying to knock him off his feet at all costs, he remembered something very important.

"Waith a minh-ute... h-howh ih it poh-ssible thhat... thhat you h-can...shee me?" He reached for his hood and found that it was in place. "I h-guess myh Invisibility Cloak h-has expired," he muttered to himself.

He heard Snape's robes flapping when the man turned away from the sealed door and looked at Harry with a basilisk gaze.

"Potter! You're completely drunk!?

"That's not true," Harry protested resentfully, shaking his head to get rid of the spots dancing before his eyes. "I just drank a few... Butterbeers." He shut his eyes, because he felt as if he was on a carousel. "You should really... do... You should do somesi--somehi--mething with the floor, Severus. It?s shak-king terribly. And wav-hing. I don't think we are... on... on a ship??

Harry had been on a ship once. He remembered how the Dursleys took him on a trip and how Dudley vomited all the time, and Uncle Vernon made a scene and demanded the immediate return to port. It was fun.

But the memories were broken by the furious face of the Potions Master's face that sailed into his view. Snape pressed him against the wall with such force, as if he wanted to sear him into it.

"Potter, explain to me what possessed you to stumble here in the middle of the night, completely exposed, to knock on my door, making enough noise to awaken the entire castle, and then settled down at my door, confusing it with your own bedroom? EVERYONE COULD HAVE SEEN YOU!? Snape roared it so loudly that Harry began to hear ringing in his ears.

"Not so loud?" he muttered. "My head...?

Now, the room began to spin even more. Why was Snape making so much noise?

Harry inhaled violently when he felt cold fingers tightening on his throat as if to strangle him, and he heard the furiously hissed words:

"Answer me!?

"I was going to my dormitory," Harry muttered. "I don't know why it suddenly turned into your office. It's a bit...strange, don't you think??

"Wait a minute..."Snape's eyes narrowed even more. "You were going to your dormitory? Am I to understand that that pink-haired ignorant, who was supposed to watch you, allowed you to get drunk and then brought you to the castle in THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?? Snape's voice rose with every word, at by the end of it, it got so loud that it was making a hole in Harry's brain. "And instead of leading you to your room, she left you alone you and allowed you to wander through the corridors in this state?!?

"Don't shout so loudly, Severus..." Harry replied weakly, putting down his hands with which he'd tried to cover his ears. Snape let go of his neck, and suddenly finding himself with no support, Harry almost fell to the floor. With difficulty he managed to hold onto the wall and recover the balance.

Snape began to measure his office with long, enraged steps, as if trying to shake off his fury at least a little bit.

"How could the Headmaster allow this? How could he entrust the care of the students to the irresponsible, thoughtless idiot! I will report her! She won?t get away with it! She endangered you deliberately! As a teacher, she should have...?

"I missed you," Harry interrupted him. Snape paused and looked at him as if he had grown a second head. Harry leaned against the wall and stared at the floor. "Throughout the evening I thought... about you. But you were gone. Everyone was there. And they were emb? emrac... embracing. And did other things. And you were not there, so I... I missed you. I just wanted to get back to you. It was stupid that I went there in the first place. I could have... been with you. Do other things. Be together.? For a moment there was silence, and the remnants of Harry?s mind began to wonder what that meant. The major part of his mind was completely drunk, though, too focused on the uncontrolled airing of his feelings that kept spilling over his lips. "Next time I'll take you with me. Yes. I'll do it. And everything will be fine. And I will not feel so alone.?

"It didn't look as if you were feeling that much lonely, Potter." Cold, distant words interrupted his discourse, and forced him to break away from his train of thought for a moment and focus on Snape, who was studying him from under his half-shut eyelids.

Oh yes, Ginny... he remembered. He also remembered that he had been making excuses for this particular occasion, but now they all seemed kind of stupid. Anyway, they slipped his mind. He tried to focus and remember what he could about the incident with Ginny. And tell everything he knows. The whole truth. The truth is probably the best excuse.

"But... That was only one dance. She forced me. She brought her boyfriend and some foolish girl who kept staring at me.? It wasn't a good answer, judging by the sudden outburst of rage in the black eyes, but Harry was too drunk to notice. "Well, and she wanted ? this idiot, Anastassy or whatever... She wanted me to dance with her. So I went to Ginny and asked her to get her away from me. But Ginny told me to dance with her and began to teach me how. But I didn't want to! Except that I was doing so well, and I imagined... I imagined that it was you and not her. I mean that you were her.? Judging by the sudden drop in temperature in the room and the goose-bumps on his skin, he jus made everything worse. "I mean..." He shut his eyes, trying to piece together the swirling madly thoughts, but he wasn't able to do so. "I saw you and thought I was dancing with you. I saw you, when I closed my eyes. I wanted you to be there. And then I opened my eyes and you really were there. I was afraid of what you?d think. I tripped. And she fell on me. But I pushed her away! Did you see that I pushed her away?" He looked up with hope at Snape, who was watching him attentively. At the time Harry was mumbling his explanations, Snape went to him and now stood before him, studying his widened, alcohol-misty green eyes, as if subjecting him to analysis.

For a moment there was silence. All the senses of Harry screamed that he refrain from moving and speaking.

"Good," Snape said at the end of it, and Harry felt his whole body loosen with relief, though he slowly forgot what had made him tense in the first place. "But limit your contacts with Miss Weasley to a minimum. I don't know whether you are able to comprehend anything I say to you when you?re in this state, but certainly you remember my warning? If I catch you one more time with her alone, I will not listen to any explanations. I will not listen to anything.?

Harry nodded and put his head on Severus? chest, because it occurred to him that his head was spinning. Somehow, for a moment, he forgot about it when looking at these two black tunnels.

"Well... that's good that it's good. It's... I'm tired...? he broke away from Severus. "I'm going to take a shower," he announced after a moment and walked unevenly towards what looked like a door. He moved along the shaky ground of the floor in an extremely technically simple way - he stared at the target he wanted to reach and looked at it until it began to get closer to him. Target, not Harry.

But this time it resulted only in him tripping over a foot of the desk chair, which he hadn?t seen, and he crashed down onto the floor.

He groaned, feeling that something crunched in his nose, which hit a hard surface. He felt a piercing pain that seemed to radiate up into his brain.

He raised himself on his elbows and discovered that he could see nothing. Pieces of broken glass and the frames of his glasses lay on the floor. He heard footsteps and soon he felt a strong pull on the shirt that lifted him and placed him on his feet.

"Potter, for the sake of-- How did you managed to get here at all?" Snape said harshly, touching Harry?s nose with his wand. "It?ll hurt. Episkey.?

Harry yelled and grabbed his nose, feeling another twinge of pain and blood flowing onto the lips.

"Ouch! It hurt!?

Snape rolled his eyes before he bent down for Harry?s glasses and casted another spell:

"Oculus Reparo.?

Carefully, he put them on Harry?s nose. Harry blinked and smiled gratefully. He didn't know why, but the gesture seemed so... sweet to him. Severus grimaced and pulled away.

"Come on, you stupid child." He caught his arm. "You can't go back to your tower in this state."
After these words he pulled Harry into his chambers, and pushed him into a chair before walking over to one of the shelves.

"It stopped rocking that badly," Harry said, rubbing his face and smearing blood on it even more. ?But everything is still spinning.?

Snape snorted, but didn't comment on that. After some time, he approached him, holding in his hand a glass of turbid, light cyan liquid.

"Drink it," he commanded, giving it to him.

"What is it?" Harry frowned.

"Something that?ll make you feel better.?

"But I feel good "Harry grinned. "Only the walls and furniture doesn't let me walk straight.?

"Don't argue with me, just drink it.?

"I don't want to." Harry put the glass on the table. "The last time you gave a drink to me, I felt worse, not better. I remember. A lot worse.?

Severus frowned and stabbed him with his razor-sharp look.

"Potter, don't make me use force.?

Harry caught hold of the handrail to get up, then swayed slightly as he looked defiantly at Snape.

"Don't you want to use... me, Severus??

The man snorted and looked away.

"Yes, the blood smeared on your face and this stupid smile look very attractive.?

Harry grinned.

"Really?

Snape took out his wand and cast a spell on Harry's face, cleaning it.

"Stop teasing me and drink this potion at last.?

"And you just talk about the potion..." Harry sighed in exasperation, shifted closer and wrapped his arms around Snape's waist. "Why don't you want to use... me??

"You're drunk," the man muttered, looking down at him with half-closed eyes.

"Last time this did not... stop you," Harry replied, grinning. "I liked it. We can do it again.?

"Potter, being used by somoene implies that it should be done against their will. You can't ask for it.?

Harry frowned.

"Oh, so do I have to pretend that I don't want it? Right. No problem. I will scream and beg you to stop.?

Severus bit his lip. It looked as if he stopped himself from smiling at the last moment after he heard Harry?s sincere, full of eagerness voice with which Harry tore through solidly constructed wall of righteous indignation. He sighed and grabbed Harry by the shoulders, trying to pull him away.

"Potter, I really have no time for this.?

"Do you know..." Harry tightened his arms around Snape with greater force, fearing that he might be pushed away, but not intending to give up without a fight. He looked up at him and saw that Snape was looking more and more annoyed with him. He licked his lips. "Everyone kept asking me? who I'd come with. And why I'd come alone. But they have no idea that I got you. And you got me. They don't know anything. And I was there all alone... all alone. And I thought about you. All the time. And... I wanted to... I wanted to..." He couldn't help it. The whole evening was like a nightmare. Everyone else was doing all these things and he could only dream of it. And now, when he was so close... So close...

He stood on his toes and clung to the cool body. He brushed the dark hair with his hand and he attacked Snape?s ear lobe with his mouth. He pressed close to him and began to greedily lick and bite at it. Severus stiffened for a moment and pulled away, surprised at the sudden sensation.

But Harry has decided not to give him even a moment to reflect and possibly respond. He slipped the other hand between their bodies and tightened it on the man's crotch, rubbing and kneading it.

"I want you? so much,? he whispered hoarsely, alternately kissing and licking the ear and the space behind it. Snape showed no desire to push him away, or murder him, and a distant part of Harry's mind took it as a permission. Besides, he felt now as if he was on a very fast carousel, which he couldn't stop. Or not wanted it. Blood pulsating in his ears, combined with the heat that flew to his lower abdomen and fueled it, didn't allow him to stop or think. All he felt was desire. "I want to... I want to..." he whispered between the fast, greedy kisses, placing them on Severus? cold, long neck. He felt through the material of trousers that the man got hard. "I want you to... moan my...name..." He squeezed harder, pressing his lips into Snape?s collarbone and sucking.

But the only word that escaped from Severus? mouth was an irritated:

"Potter!?

Harry winced.

"That's not my name..." He muttered. And then he felt fingers tighten around his wrists. His hands were roughly pulled away. Snape pulled himself away from him and held him at arm's length.

"Listen to me..." He said, sighing in exasperation.

Harry groaned with a sense of loss, and the heat was replaced with a sudden sting of cold, which made him tremble.

Snape doesn't want him. Nobody wants him. Then he'll leave... He'll go somewhere where no one will find him.

He tore his hands and not waiting for any reaction of the man, he moved in the direction in which he had hoped that there was an exit. But his short trip was immediately thwarted.

?Where are you going?? Snape grabbed him by the hood and pulled him back. Harry staggered and took a few steps back. The man grabbed him by the shoulders, set him in front of him and leaned slightly, looking at him with an extremely serious look. ?Don't act like a child, Potter. First of all, you're drunk, and second of all, it's the middle of the night. Now it's not the time for that. Do you understand??

Harry nodded gloomily, staring at the endless row of buttons on the front of the black robe. They blurred before his eyes. Why were there so many of them? And why were they spinning like that? Faster and faster and faster and...

He felt sick. He covered his mouth with his hand and leaned against Severus, feeling his legs giving out.

This time he was not pushed away. All he heard was a heavy sigh that touched his hair. He squeezed his eyes shut, praying for the spinning to stop, and pressed his cheek harder against the rough robe.

The terrible feeling, as if someone was stirring a ladle in his stomach, slowly subsided. His rapid breathing calmed down. He moved his hand away from his mouth and wrapped his arms around Snape. He couldn't help himself. He loved it. He loved cuddling up to Severus and feeling his strong scent penetrate his mind. He loved listening to his heartbeat. He loved feeling so?safe. He also loved that Severus was taller than him. Much taller and much stronger. And Harry only reached his chin and he felt so... so... fragile. He loved being in his power, being dependent on him, feeling that Severus was there for him and took care of him. And that he no longer has to struggle alone with everything that was falling on his head. That he doesn't have to carry it anymore, because he has someone stronger and more powerful than himself who will help him and take away the burden that he had to struggle with all his life. Alone.

He remembered how Severus had pulled him out of his depression. And how he told him that he couldn't defeat Voldemort alone. Maybe he was snarky and mean, but he helped him get up. And that was... soothing.

?...er! Potter, damn it, can you hear me??

Harry blinked, coming back to reality. He lifted his cheek from the man's chest and looked up into the narrowed black eyes staring at him. He moved his gaze lower and stopped at the man's pursed lips. He licked his lips.

?Why don't you want to kiss me?? he blurted out suddenly. Snape's eyes widened for a moment, then narrowed again, taking on a repulsive expression. But Harry, in his current state, couldn't pick up on warning signals as clearly as he usually did. ?It's not that difficult. Tonks kissed...? he stopped suddenly. He probably shouldn't talk about it. At least not to Severus.

Snape's eyes, if possible, narrowed even further into narrow slits.

?Is there anything you would like to tell me, Potter?? he drawled in a grave voice.

?Well, actually, I...? How can he put this without spilling the beans? Why did he feel like his brain had turned to mush? "Tonks is a very good kisser," he finally blurted out. ?And she's not afraid of doing it. Why couldn't you too...?? he stopped suddenly, feeling the unpleasant tension hanging in the air.

?Really?? The frozen venom that oozed from Snape's mouth could fill the entire lake near Hogwarts. ?How good is she at kissing, Potter??

?Er... Well, for a woman. With a tongue and all. And so hard that the lips turn blue. Really hot,? he smiled.

Snape's cutting gaze dropped to Harry's lips and examined them for a moment.

?And what else does she do well?? he asked after a while, while the flame of anger that had been smoldering in his eyes transformed into a real fire.

?Well... uh... Many things. But I can't tell you about it, Severus. It's too private...?

?Ah yes??

The fire turned into a blaze...

?Anyway... she's a woman. And it doesn't matter that it made me hard while she was doing all those things. I don't know why this aroused me so much. It just happened...?

...and the blaze turned into a conflagration.

?Is something wrong, Severus? Your eyelid is twitching strangely.? Harry started to worry. Snape looked as if he was starving for oxygen. And it was as if he was just a tiny thread away from tearing the boy standing in front of him to pieces. ?It's a pity you weren't there. You'd love it," Harry grinned, unaware of the claws hovering over him. ?Oh, I didn't think that the sight of two naked women... making out could have such an effect on me.? He sighed, remembering the scenes he had witnessed.

Severua blinked. He looked as if he had returned from the gates of hell. The madness in his eyes faded.

?Women??

?Well, one woman and one girl, but it's probably the same thing, right?? Harry smiled carelessly.

?What are you talking about, Potter?? Snape drawled in a voice of almost completely burnt patience, from which only ashes remained.

?About that...? Harry became lost in thought. What was he talking about? He forgot himself. Something about Tonks and Luna... Oh yes, they kissed, he remembered. And they did other things too... He definitely remembered that.

He sank into the chair, drawing his knees up to his chest.

?About us not being the only ones with a secret anymore. Because Tonks... and that someone have it too. And Tonks is a teacher too, and...?

"Potter," Snape interrupted him, gritting his teeth. ?Spare me comparisons with that colorful witch. I guess the alcohol has completely blacked out what little bit of brain you have left.?

?But I really saw it!? Why didn't Snape believe him? He saw it. Didn't he see it? ?Tonks kissed... someone. A girl. A student. And she did things such things to her...? His mind recalled those scenes and Harry had to concentrate very hard to continue the conversation, especially since he was already starting to feel sleepy. "If you could see this..." he muttered, letting his eyelids fall shut. ?She kissed her with such passion, with such... desire. I looked at it even though I knew I couldn't, that it was wrong, but I couldn't stop. I've never seen anyone kiss like that and...? His head began to feel unbearably heavy. He tried to keep it upright, but it felt like something was pulling it down, and his mind was cocooned in a warm, fluffy cocoon of darkness pressing in on all sides. ?And so I watched and watched and... I knew that you would never... kiss me like that and...? His head fell to his knees. He felt dizzy. He felt like he was falling into a quiet, warm blackness. ?And that I'll never feel it and... I felt sad.?

The silence descended.

Harry floated in the soothing darkness, surrounded by fragments of memories. Ron shyly kissing Hermione, Ginny making out with her boyfriend, Tonks devouring Luna's pink lips...

Images swirled in his mind, merging together.

And then something broke it and brought him to the surface of consciousness. Something lifted his head. He felt the bitter liquid flow into his mouth. He choked but swallowed, opening his eyes abruptly.

He saw Severus leaning over him, pouring a blue potion down his throat. His face was tight and determined. Harry tried to protest and move away, but he was still pressed against the chair and Snape held his face in an iron grip. He tried to close his mouth, but the man squeezed his jaw hard, forcing him to open it even wider.

When he finally released it, Harry dropped his legs to the floor, spluttering and choking, and leaned forward, trying to get rid of the unpleasant taste.

"What are you doing?!" he shouted, looking up at Snape standing in front of him and looking at him coldly.

"What I should have done a long time ago, Potter. Before you reveal to me everything that I am absolutely sure you would rather keep to yourself. I'm not going to listen to you whining and feeling sorry for yourself later about what you've blurted out to me in your drunken gibberish."

"I don't..." he stopped, because the image in front of his eyes blurred for a second, and the confusion in his head and the fog clouding his mind began to strangely thin out and dissipate.

He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the bitterness flowing through his body and washing away the wonderful humor that had guided his actions just a moment ago. Suddenly it felt cold and... unpleasant.

Very unpleasant.

He shook himself and decided to open his eyes.

He was in Snape's office. He didn't remember how he got here, he was going to the dormitory...

He looked up, and when his eyes met the cold gaze of black pupils, the memories washed over him like an icy torrent.

He told Snape... he told about... kissing, and Tonks and Luna, and... oh god!

His eyes widened in horror.

Severus crossed his arms over his chest and smiled mockingly. Harry lowered his head and buried his face in his hands.

"I see it's starting to work..." the Potions Master sneered.

Harry started shaking his head, unable to believe what he had done and said. He squeezed his eyes shut as hard as he could, but the memories wouldn't go away.

Why don't you kiss me?

Tonks is a very good kisser...

...it made me hard when she was doing all these things...

...I knew you would never kiss me like that...

...I felt sad...

What could Snape think of him? He brought up a taboo topic... told him about it... how much he wanted his kiss. How much he wants something that he will probably never get anyway... He thought he had already come to terms with it. He wanted to come to terms with it. But it always came back. Like a boomerang. No matter how much he tried to tell himself that it was good, that he didn't need it... but always, in his moment of weakness, he only thought about those thin lips. And about what lies behind them. About how warm and...

No! Stop! This is not the time! Forget. Forget. He didn't say that. It didn't happen. He did not say.

He couldn't say it. Not to Snape. Not like this.

And what's more... he spilled the secret of Luna and Tonks... And to whom? The last person who should know about this. Snape hated Tonks. With this knowledge he could...

Harry raised his head and, trying to force his heart to calm down and his breathing to even out, he took a breath and fired:

?What I said is completely untrue! I was drunk and I... I didn't know what I was saying. Forget about it. I made this all up.?

Snape tilted his head and smiled ironically.

?Oh, certainly, Potter, alcohol has better effect on you than Veritaserum and you know it.?

Sure, who was Harry trying to fool? Snape will never believe him.

?I wonder what the Headmaster will say when he hears these revelations?? the Potions Master continued in a dark voice, full of venomous malice ?Or maybe I will keep them for myself and use them for my own purposes? Who would have thought that this pink witch--??

?Please don't tell anyone about this!? Harry interrupted, looking pleadingly at the tall man standing in front of him. ?I know you hate Tonks, but... but the other person is...? carefully ?...one of my friends. She's so sensitive, she couldn't bear it if...? he stopped, looking for the right words. ?If this came to light, and it was my fault, I wouldn't survive it. Please, Severus, forget what I told you. I know you don't care about other people's feelings and that you would love to get rid of Tonks, but this time... make an exception. Just this once. For me. Please.?

The man's gaze did not change. He stared at Harry as if considering his offer.

?What do I get in return, Potter?? he finally said in a quiet, cool voice.

Harry blushed.

It was his fault. It was all his fault. He knew that if Severus found out about it, he would immediately want to take advantage of it. He knew him, after all. And he provided the pretext himself. So he has to fix it now. At all costs. At any cost.

What could he give Severus that he hadn't already given him?

Himself? No, he gave himself completely a long time ago.

Harry lowered his head and bit his lip. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the painful feeling of regret and anger at himself.

What can he give him? Something he loves, something that is extremely important to him...

He opened his eyes suddenly.

He raised his head and looked straight into the dark tunnels of the Potions Master's eyes.

"Quidditch," he said quietly.

Snape frowned.

?Come again??

"Quidditch," Harry repeated, his voice slightly hoarse. He swallowed and added. ?I'll give up Quidditch. I'll let Slytherin win the cup.?

The man's eyes widened for a moment. Surprise, mixed with disbelief, flashed in them. He looked at Harry inquisitively for a moment, as if he didn't quite believe what he heard. But after a while the eyes narrowed and flickered strangely. He took a step towards Harry as if he was going to do something, but apparently stopped himself at the last moment. Or maybe he resigned? He stepped back and lowered the hand that he had unconsciously raised up earlier. He crossed his arms over his chest again and his face turned into his usual stern expression.

"I accept," he announced.

Harry closed his eyes and lowered his head. He wanted to sigh, but his chest felt too tight.

So he won't play Quidditch anymore? How was he supposed to tell Hermione and Ron? How will he explain to the rest of the team?

He wasn't angry at Snape. He knew it was only his fault. He drank to get drunk. And then he came here and spilled everything. Snape didn't force him to do anything, he wanted to give him a sobering up potion, but Harry didn't take it. And it ended the way it did... And now he must be punished. The thought hurt, but he knew he had no other choice.

"You should go back to the dormitory," he heard Snape's voice. ?It's late. If your friends aren't as drunk as you are, at any moment they'll realize you're not in bed and start looking for you.?

Harry nodded and stood up.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. ?For everything I said. And for everything I've done.? Without looking up, he turned and had only taken a few steps towards the door when Snape's voice stopped him:

?Potter.? Harry turned slowly and looked at the man staring at him carefully. Snape looked like he was thinking about something. Or like he was fighting something. "Go to sleep," he said finally, although just a moment ago it seemed as if he had something completely different on the tip of his tongue. ?I hope you have the cloak with you? Harry nodded and took the sparkling fabric out of his pocket. ?Take the shortest route. And no stops along the way. You are to go straight to Gryffindor Tower. Did you understand??

Harry nodded again, then turned and slipped out of the room without a word.

The journey to the tower was long and extremely tiring. Harry walked the whole way with uncertain, thoughtful steps. He tried to process all the events, but they were too heavy. He felt a tightness in his chest and his knees buckled beneath him with almost every step he took.

When he reached the common room, he heard snoring coming from upstairs. Everyone was sleeping. Nobody was looking for him. Ron and Hermione must have drunk a lot too if they didn't notice he was gone. Good. He felt exhausted. Mentally and physically. He was tormented by remorse and waves of utter depression.

This whole evening... The secret he had discovered, his longing for Snape, Luna's innocent words "it means you love him" that scared him more than Voldemort himself, all the tearful, effusive confessions he had muttered to Snape, the secret he had so thoughtlessly spilled, and now... the end of Quidditch. Completely.

It's too much...

He looked at the quietly crackling fire and blinked a few times, feeling his eyes begin to sting. Extremely persistent.

He plopped down on the couch and buried his face in his hands. He didn't know how long he sat there, he had no idea how much time had passed. He only suspected that it was quite a lot. But he couldn't get up, couldn't get up from the couch and force himself to do anything. He felt as if everything had collapsed.

...you will never kiss me like that...

...I'll never feel it...

It was pathetic. So pathetic that he still couldn't believe he said it.

But it was true. And it hurt. It hurt him every time he thought about it, no matter how hard he tried to tell himself it didn't hurt.

Why, when everything finally seems to be going well, does he always have to ruin it? Why did he have to drink so much? Why did he go to Snape? Why didn't he take the potion from him? Why did he act like a complete idiot? Why did he have to whine about those stupid kisses again? Why did he have to spill everything? Why couldn't he stop himself for once?

Why?

And now how will he tell his friends that he can't play Quidditch? What excuse will he come up with this time? How will he look them in the eye? What will Ron say? He will be sulking Definitely. He will be offended and won't talk to him. And Hermione will agree with him. Ginny will be angry too. Everyone will be angry with him. All Gryffindor will turn their backs on him. Again. And he will once again be completely alone.

He swallowed, trying to get rid of the stinging, painful lump in his throat. But the unpleasant feeling intensified, tightening the noose around his neck and preventing him from breathing.

He squeezed his eyes tighter, but it didn't help. He felt two lone tears roll down his cheeks. He wanted to stop them, but he couldn't. More appeared.

He took off his glasses and wiped the tears running down his skin with the palm of his hand. However, he was unable to wipe the next ones either. And more of them.

He put his hands to his eyes and pursed his lips, trying to stifle the sobs that were trying to escape.

And then he felt warmth. In the pocket.

He rubbed his eyes thoroughly and reached for the stone with his wet fingers.

He reached for his glasses abandoned on the couch next to him and put them on his nose with a trembling hand. It didn't help much. The image in front of his eyes was still blurry. But after a few moments of intensely staring at the stone and blinking his eyes, he managed to read the message:

Potter, why are you still awake?

At first Harry just frowned, a big question mark appearing in his mind. How did Snape know he was awake? Yet...

Understanding came. Well, because of all this, he forgot to send him a good night, just like he had done every, absolutely every night since he had received the gem from him. But he always thought Snape ignored his messages. He never answered him.

Was Snape sitting and waiting for a message from Harry? Did that mean he... liked receiving them? That he got used to them? And when Harry didn't send it to him, he figured something was wrong with him?

No, it's impossible. Maybe he was just working late on some potion and thought about it and realized that Harry hadn't sent him a good night and guessed that he wasn't sleeping and decided to ask why and...

Oh, to hell with it!

I can't sleep, he sent back after a moment's hesitation. I'll sit in the Common Room and go to bed a little later. Good night.

Yes, that's enough. He put the stone down and buried his face in his hands again. The tears finally stopped, but his eyes still stung. He took off his glasses and started rubbing his eyelids, trying to get rid of that unpleasant feeling that he was going to cry again at any moment.

He can't cry. He's not a girl. Only girls cry.

Besides... he should look for the good sides. At least he didn't tell Snape he loved him. Yes, it was definitely on the brighter side. After all, if he said something like that to him... he would be finished.

He took a few deep breaths, trying to calm his beating heart and get rid of the lump in his throat.

Don't worry, everything will be fine...

Yes, sure...

He put his glasses back on and simply hid his face in his hands, trying to come to terms with the feelings fluttering uncomfortably in his heart.

And then he heard the rustle of the portrait moving away.

Well, all he needed was a late Gryffindor returning from a night trip who would disturb his peace. Maybe they won't notice him? Maybe they'll just go to the dormitory and not bother him?

'Please go away,' he said in his mind. 'I want to be alone.'

?Potter??

Harry jerked his head up.

It's impossible!

He turned head and looked straight into the narrowed black eyes of the Potions Master standing right behind him, watching him closely.

He could have expected everything, but... Snape... in the Gryffindor Common Room... Snape here?!

He jumped up from the couch and tripped over the table.

?I... What are you doing here...? What happened...? I don't...? he stammered, trying to regain his balance. He straightened up, then immediately lowered his head and quickly moved his gaze away to the far corner of the room.

Snape can't see his face! Harry suspected what he must have looked like. He didn't want... he didn't want Severus to see this... Damn, if he had come a moment earlier, he could have seen...

He heard a softly muttered spell and felt as if everything around him had suddenly gone silent. He didn't hear the crackle of the fire in the fireplace or the snoring coming from upstairs. Not a sound of a clock ticking quietly.

Snape must have cast some sort of silencing charm or something. And camouflaging, for that matter, because Harry noticed the expanding, bubble-like field that surrounded them.

Well, as always, careful...

?Potter.? The man's voice sounded unusually loud in the silence surrounding them. ?I know you wouldn't be yourself if you hadn't ignored my command, but in this situation...? he stopped for a moment and seemed to be considering his next sentence. Harry didn't lift or turn his head. There were too many questions swirling in his mind. And too many emotions. What could Snape want from him? He probably didn't come all the way to Gryffindor Tower to tell him to go to bed. ?I have something important to tell you and I would like you to listen to me carefully,? the man continued. His voice was quieter, calmer. But something grated inside it. ?And I advise you to stop staring at this unspeakably interesting pattern on the carpet and look at me when I'm talking to you.?

Harry bit his lip, feeling his heart start beating faster.

There was no way he could ignore this command. But he didn't want to look up. He didn't really want to. He didn't want Snape to find out... He didn't want him to think he was some wimp who couldn't deal with his feelings. He swallowed, feeling completely torn.

?Don't make me say it again.? The man's voice became sharper, colder.

Harry sighed and slowly lifted his head, looking straight into the black eyes that were boring into him.

The moment the man's gaze fell on Harry's face, at his red eyes and the not yet completely dried traces of tears on his cheeks... his pupils dilated rapidly and his lips parted slightly, sucking in a hiss of air. He looked as if someone had hit him with a stunning spell.

And Harry felt extremely stupid, knowing that all traces of his emotions were clearly visible on his face. He blushed and immediately lowered his head again. It was a mistake, it shouldn't lift his face at all...

Silence hung in the air. Even more painful now, when there was no other sound around except for two breaths. One accelerated and one calm. And the rustle of clothes. And the sound of footsteps.

Snape stopped right in front of Harry, but the boy didn't dare look up. After a moment, however, he felt a cool touch on his chin and his face was gently but firmly lifted up.

Harry held his breath as he saw Severus looking down at him. And his eyes... They were... they were... There was something in them... some undefined emotion. Snape looked stunned, as if he had forgotten everything and the only thing that interested him were the traces of tears visible on Harry's cheeks, which were now covered by a blush of embarrassment.

And Harry felt a cool touch. Severus placed a finger on the damp skin and slowly traced it down, following the trail carved by the tears. And his hand was shaking.

Harry wasn't breathing. He couldn't. Not now, when his senses were racing, trying to process all the new, unfamiliar stimuli that were reaching him.

"You have no idea..." the whisper that escaped Severus' parted lips seemed to come from very, very far away. From a place that should have remained closed. And Harry heard a crack in it. The same one he saw in the depths of the eyes looking at him.

Harry frowned, unable to contain his own reactions.

You have no idea...

About what?

But Snape said nothing more. He looked as if Harry's reaction had jolted him out of whatever strange lethargy he was in. His features sharpened and his eyes narrowed. His lips tightened so much that they turned into a barely visible line.

Harry stared into two dark tunnels, almost penetrating his soul, and tried to see something in them. He wanted to see that crack again, it had disappeared so suddenly as if it hadn't been there at all. The blackness was as smooth as the surface of a lake on a windless night. And all he saw was... tiny starlight reflecting on its surface. Severus' eyes twinkled as he looked at Harry. His gaze was neither stern nor scolding. There was a warm glow in the dark depths. Too distant for warmth, but visible enough to hope that one day it would reach its destination and melt what had been frozen for many years.

Severus licked his lips and cleared his throat. Harry blinked. It seemed that this time he had fallen into lethargy. But there was nothing he could do about it. Every time he looked into those deep eyes, he sank to the bottom of them.

"I came here... to tell you that I've changed my mind," Severus said after a moment. His voice was a bit uncertain, cautious, as if he was afraid that Harry might startle at any moment and run away like a terrified animal. ?I don't want you to give up Quidditch.? Seeing the surprise on Harry's face, he continued. ?No one will know about the dirty little secret of that pink... Tonks.? He couldn't help but wince slightly when he said the name. ?Or what she was doing. And with who. Merlin knows I'd love to get rid of her, but if it's going to hurt you...? he stopped and thought for a moment, frowning. Harry didn't move or speak. He couldn't. Not now, when Snape's face was so close and he could hear those incredible assurances falling from his thin lips. "And just to be clear..." Severus continued. ?I don't want anything in return. I'm not doing it because I want to, or because you asked me to, but because... you realized that you made a mistake and you were brave and responsible enough to admit it and face the consequences of your actions. You've punished yourself enough. I hope you remember this lesson well.? Harry nodded, too shocked to utter a word. ?But that doesn't change the fact that I'll report her to the Headmaster anyway for knowingly putting you... you in danger. I think you understand that?? Harry nodded again. He knew his eyes were wide open, but he couldn't help himself. He was absolutely shocked.

Can he still play Quidditch? Is Luna and Tonks' secret safe? And Snape doesn't hold any grudges against him for what he told him? About how much Harry wants him to kiss him? He didn't say a word about it, as if he simply put it down to alcohol effect. Everything... is everything okay now?

He stared into Snape's dark eyes, searching for some catch, but he saw nothing. It seemed like... that's all... really...

He felt warmth flow into his heart. No, not warm. Hot. He couldn't control himself. He jerked forward and pressed himself against the tall, cool body, wrapping his arms around Severus and pressing against him with such force as if he wanted to crush every bad thought and every unbearable tear in his embrace.

?Thank you?, he whispered, unable to stop the joy in his voice and the smile that appeared on his lips and didn't want to leave them anymore.

He could feel Severus' intense, herbal scent that made him dizzy every time, felt the roughness of his robe as it scratched his cheek, heard the steady beating of his heart, and knew that this was where he belonged. Right here, next to him, in those cool arms that now wrapped around him slowly, as if uncertainly... and pulled him closer.

Harry squeezed his eyes shut and just snuggled into the darkness, surrounded by Snape's scent and breath. And he only dreamed that he could stay like this forever. He knew he wouldn't take back anything he'd done, wouldn't change any of the choices he'd made that had brought him here, to this place. That every decision, every price he paid was worth it. And it always will be.

?Will you go to sleep now?? he heard a quiet voice just above his head. He murmured something in response, snuggling deeper into Severus' arms. ?Potter, I asked you a question.? The voice became a little sharper and Harry sighed in resignation. It's best not to test Severus' patience. Besides, they were in the Gryffindor Common Room. Snape may have cast some camouflage charms on them, but it still wasn't a very safe place.

Harry sighed again, let go of Severus and pulled away, looking at him with a smile.

"I'll go," he replied quietly, reaching for the man's hand and bringing it to his mouth. ?I'll go, of course. Soon. Just...? he mumbled, then fell silent and simply kissed the cool fingers. He closed his eyelids and kissed the hand. He kissed the fingertips, the knuckles, the rough skin of the inside of the hand, streaked with scars and calluses. And he couldn't stop. He was filled with such joy and gratitude that he couldn't express it even with a thousand kisses. "Thank you," he whispered again, kissing the fingertips once again. He lifted his eyelids and looked into Severus' fixed, twinkling eyes.

Yes, he saw the glow in them. Now even clearer than before. And much closer. Severus licked his lips and gently removed his hand from Harry's grasp.

?That's enough, Potter. You were supposed to go to sleep.?

Harry forced himself to let go of his hand.

?Oh yes. Right. To sleep. On my way.? He smiled broadly and took a few steps back.

Oh, he knew he wouldn't sleep anyway. He felt too happy, and that feeling burned within him and filled him with energy. It seemed unbelievable to him that just a moment ago he was falling apart on this couch, and now he felt like he was just a short distance away from jumping up and down.

From depression to happiness in a few moments. Only Snape could make him do that.

He walked backwards to the stairs, never taking his eyes off the man staring at him with narrowed eyes.

But before he turned to run upstairs, he smiled again and said in a cheerful whisper:

?Goodnight, Severus.?

A smirk appeared on Snape's lips.

?Good night.?

Harry turned and ran up the stairs, feeling his heart lighter than ever.

 

I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears

Everywhere I look you're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be

This thing is slowly taking me apart
Gray would be the color if I had a heart

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself*

 

* "Something I can never have" by Nine Inch Nails