37. Thinking of you

 

I don't wanna live I don't wanna breathe
Unless I feel you next to me
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wanna dream
'cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
Waking up to you never felt so real*

 

"Potter!"

Harry murmured in his sleep and turned his head, pressing his face deeper into the pillow, searching for that warm softness that wrapped so wonderfully around him. He didn't want to get up yet. After all, he had the day off. Nobody should come here and...

"Potter, if you don't get up soon, I will force you out of bed and it won't be nice for you."

It sounded like Snape.

One sec. What was Snape doing in his dormitory?

Harry opened one sleepy eye and immediately squinted it, as even the dull light of the burning candles was too harsh for him and penetrated his mind, cutting through him like a knife. In the blurred fog before his eyes, he saw a dark silhouette. He opened his other eye, but it didn't help much.

"Now that you've kindly woken up, maybe you could tidy yourself up? We have to be in the Great Hall in half an hour."

What?

Harry looked up, feeling as if someone had hit him with something heavy.

Wait... He needs to analyze the facts.

He was at Snape's yesterday. They fu-- No. They made love. Yes.

And then... later...

Oh shit!

And then Severus let him stay here for the night!

He jumped up into a sitting position and groaned as he felt a sudden, painful sting in his ass and the protests of his strained muscles.

Harry looked around and saw a stain on the table in the shape of his glasses. He reached for them, placed them over his nose, and looked at Sever--

Suddenly he felt a strange sensation, as if his heart and stomach had changed places and his eyes were trying to come out of their sockets.

Snape was standing in front of him. Yes, it was definitely Snape. No one else. But he wasn't wearing his black robes, which rustled with every movement and covered every inch of his body.

Harry's gaze moved upwards, and with every inch he couldn't believe what he was seeing. Snape was standing barefoot on a small black and green carpet spread over the stone floor. He wore long, loose black pants and an equally dark, velvet, long-sleeved shirt that draped softly around his arms and body. Open on the chest.

Harry knew he was staring, but he couldn't stop, and he knew he was staring with his mouth open, but what could he do about it? The pale skin emerging from the black fabric contrasted with it and made Harry feel an irresistible need to touch it and check if it was real, and leave his mark on it. A very clear mark.

"As you can see, Potter, I'm still alive," Severus finally said, interrupting Harry's rapturous contemplation. "So you can stop staring at me like that."

Harry closed his mouth and swallowed, and ignoring the man's words, he got up and like a sleepwalker moved towards him, completely ignoring the painful protests of his leg muscles. He couldn't take his eyes off that pale torso, and from the dark strand of hair stretching from the navel down and disappearing under the fabric of the loose pants.

He had to touch him. He must have marked him.

He grabbed the skirts of the black shirt and clung to the tall body, pressing his lips to the cool skin of Severus' chest. The man's scent filled his nostrils and the air inhaled sharply by Snape filled his ears. Harry smiled inwardly and began kissing the smooth skin, purring contentedly into it. It only lasted for a moment, though, and Harry had time to place only a few hungry kisses on Snape's chest when he felt strong hands gripping his shoulders and pulling him away abruptly.

"I think that I told you to do something!" the man said sharply.

Harry blinked, slightly confused, and looked up. Severus didn't seem to be in the best mood. Maybe he was angry that Harry had stayed for the night with him? Or maybe he just didn't get enough sleep and now decided to get back at him for the sleepless night. Yes, it was very likely. And very 'snape-like'.

"Okay, I'm going now. I just wanted to greet you," he replied with a sigh and was about to turn away when his eye was caught by a dark, red-brown stain on Severus' neck.

This definitely improved his mood.

"Severus... I think something bit you during the night," he grinned, moving away from the man and walking backwards towards the bathroom.

Snape didn't seem surprised.

"You must have slept in the gnome nest, then," he replied, raising an eyebrow and looking pointedly at Harry's upper body.

The boy looked down and widened his eyes. His entire chest was covered with small, dark spots. Some more visible than others, but there were so many that it was impossible to count them. He looked back at Snape, who had a faint, mischievous smile on his lips.

"I actually like them," Harry replied, smiling. "Maybe I'll keep them..." And without waiting for an answer, he grabbed his clothes from the chair and disappeared out the door.

He hung his clothes on the rack by the door, then walked over to the mirror and looked at his reflection. It wasn't just his chest that was covered in spots. The neck looked much worse, and there was a small bruise just above his temple.

He looked like he had just barely escaped a fight, but he felt so happy that he couldn't help but smile the entire time. He hoped that Severus would allow him to keep at least some of these traces. After all, these were Severus' marks. They marked the places where Severus' lips had caressed his body.

Harry touched one of the dark spots on his neck as if it was a treasure. He didn't have to close his eyes to clearly imagine those thin lips pressing against his skin and sucking on it so hungrily, as if they wanted to devour him whole, and that thought sent a pleasant shiver down his body, to his lower abdomen.

He took a deep breath and turned away from the mirror, looking around the bathroom. It was simple and bright, not much different from the bathrooms in the dorms, except that everything in it was intended for one person only. Instead of the bathtub Harry expected to see, there was only a shower.

Well, somehow he couldn't imagine Severus lounging in a bathtub full of bubbles and surrounded by scented candles. No, he was more of a person who preferred a quick, practical shower.

Then something in his mind opened up and Harry recalled the sound of running water he had heard last night, and he couldn't help the image of Severus appearing in front of his eyes. Naked Severus, with streams of water flowing down his fair skin.

No! Enough! He wasn't going to stand here and imagine Snape taking a shower, because his penis was already starting to show extraordinary interest and Severus had told him to hurry up.

He closed his eyes and shook his head, trying to get the image out of his head, then he took off his underpants and glasses, placed them on one of the shelves, stepped into the stall, and turned on the cold water.

Oh yes, nothing could cool you down like ice water. His teeth chattering, he unscrewed the hot water and looked at the shelf filled with all kinds of bottles. His eyes picked out a shampoo made from nettle and lovage root, with cinnamon and ginger added, as he managed to read with some difficulty on the bottle. He took it off the shelf and poured it into his hand, then brought it to his nose and sniffed.

He felt dizzy. Severus' scent. It was exactly the same scent as the one he always smelled on him. And now it he could smell the same!

He felt an involuntary shiver. He began soaping his hair with reverence, enjoying the scent that enveloped him. His heart was beating a little too fast, but he couldn't calm it down. How was it possible that even a stupid aroma could make him feel like this?

Because it was part of Severus. On him. Another trace.

He rinsed his hair and found the soap. He smiled when he smelled the exact same scent. Only now did he realize how important this sense was to him. It was always more of an addition to the rest. An addition to ability to see, hear, taste and feel Severus. And now all he had was a scent. And that was enough for him to feel his presence with such intensity, as if the man was standing right next to him and Harry was snuggling into him. Did Severus feel Harry's aroma in the same way? Couldn't he also keep himself from closing his eyes and inhaling it when Harry wasn't looking?

He rinsed off the soap thoroughly, although regretfully, and left the cabin, then looked around for towels. It wasn't hard to spot them. Green and silver with the Slytherin emblem. They hung in a neat row just below the shelf where he had left his glasses. He took one and as he dried himself, he couldn't stop thinking that it was Severus' towel and that he was using it too. It was... weird and amazing.

He put on his underpants and glasses and went to the sink. He looked around the shelves for something for his teeth. He took the paste (herbal!) and put some on his finger.

Damn, next time he'll have to bring a toothbrush.

When he realized what he had just thought, he froze, his hand halfway to his mouth.

Next time? But will there be a next time? Will Severus ever let him stay here again after what Harry did to him? Would he ever want Harry to stay overnight again? Maybe it was just a one-time thing and now--

He squeezed his eyes shut, breathing deeply.

No, he won't think about that now. He won't think about it! He will wait to see what happens, and if it doesn't want to happen, he will find a way to make it happen. Yes, exactly! Now he has to hurry because he doesn't want Snape yelling at him again.

He brushed his teeth as best he could with his finger, rinsed his mouth, and went to his clothes. He pulled his wand from the pants pocket and cast a drying spell on his hair, then, grunting a little and gritting his teeth, put on his pants and shirt.

Everything do hurt him. Tremendously.

When he emerged from the bathroom, Snape was sitting in the armchair opposite the bed, apparently waiting for him.

"I didn't know that something as trivial as going to the bathroom in the morning could take up half a day."

"I was just kind of admiring..." Harry started and trailed off. As usual, he was rushing at the beginning of a sentence, only to realize halfway through that what he wanted to say was idiotic (because he couldn't admit that he admired his bathroom), and he reached for something that came to his mind first, but that didn't mean it was any less idiotic: "...the views," he finished and grimaced.

Snape raised one eyebrow. "The views? In my bathroom? Are you telling me, Potter, that you admired my lavatory?"

"No, just this, uh... umm..." Harry muttered, his mind going completely blank, eaten away by burning embarrassment.

"Oh, of course, now that you've explained it to me in that long sentence, I understand everything. Truly, Potter, sometimes I am simply fascinated by your eloquence."

Harry looked at the man's face, twisted with a malicious smile, and felt that he was making a bigger idiot of himself with each passing moment. He had to stop it. At all costs!

"It doesn't bother you in bed, though" he replied boldly, looking the man straight in the eye.

The glint he saw in them and the slight raise of his eyebrows clearly told him that Snape was surprised.

"Are you trying to tease me, Mr. Potter?" the man asked calmly.

"No, I'm just responding in an impertinent way to your biting remarks. If you don't mind," Harry replied, struggling to control the smile that was trying to spread across his lips. He turned around and reached for his shoes and socks on the chair.

"However, you do realize that these biting remarks can quickly turn into something much more perfidious?" Severus asked quietly, and Harry heard the threat mixed with amusement in his voice. Now he couldn't control himself anymore.

He grinned and sat on the bed.

"Yes, I perfectly reali-- ouch!" he groaned, feeling a stabbing pain in his ass. "I really don't know how I'm going to walk today..." he muttered, gritting his teeth and trying to put on a sock.

"Was that a compliment?" Severus asked smoothly.

This filled the cup and Harry burst out laughing. He lay on his back and laughed and laughed until he was breathless. He felt the overwhelming joy rushing out of him and he couldn't stop it. There was too much of it.

"If you're done, I'd appreciate it if you'd come back to your dorm and let me get ready," he heard Severus. He sensed amusement in his voice. It was carefully hidden, but Harry was perfectly capable of recognizing and picking it out.

He rose from the bed and took a deep breath, trying to calm down. He bent down and quickly put on his other sock and shoes. He straightened up and looked at Severus, who was watching him carefully.

And that was it. It's over now. He had to go.

It was no surprise to him that he didn't want to do it at all. That he would rather stay here and never leave.

He better do it quickly, because the longer he stood there, staring at that dark, tall figure and those black eyes watching him, the harder it was for him to move, and his heart seemed to tremble, giving him signals that if he moved, it will stay here.

He crossed the space between them in a few steps and wrapped his arms around Severus, pressing his cheek to his chest.

"Thank you. For everything," he said quietly.

The man didn't hug him back, though. Harry could only listen to his calmly beating heart and feel the touch of smooth skin on his face. He wanted to rub his cheek against it, but Severus moved and, tightening his fingers on his arm, freed himself from Harry's grip and pulled him away.

Harry looked with surprise at the wand pointed at his face. And he didn't know why, but he felt a sudden, lightning-fast twinge of fear.

"You're not going to show yourself like that to the Headmaster and the other teachers, are you?" Severus asked, casting a spell unknown to Harry. A cool current of magic touched his skin.

A wave of understanding flooded his mind and Harry smiled involuntarily, feeling a strange relief he knew he shouldn't feel.

"Much better," the man said, putting his wand into his pants pocket. "I only removed the most visible ones. It's a pity to waste magic on the remaining ones, since the new ones will soon appear next to them." A dark smile spread across Severus' lips and Harry felt a knot in his stomach.

"When can we meet again?" Harry himself was surprised by the question that came out of his mouth, but he had to find out!

"Definitely not today," the man replied, stepping away and turning towards the bathroom. "I have some things to do. I need to discuss the urgent matter of an incompetent teacher with the Headmaster." There was a note of malice in his voice and Harry involuntarily flinched. Well, he knew Snape wouldn't forget about it... "I'll let you know when I'm free. I hope you make it to the door?"

Well, it clearly sounded like 'goodbye, you can go now, I have nothing more to tell you.'

Harry nodded and left the bedroom. He took his cloak from the living room and took one last look at the small, colorful Christmas tree standing on the table. He smiled and left.

Once he reached his dormitory, almost bumping into Filch on the way, he quickly changed and went down to the Great Hall for breakfast. Snape was already sitting at the staff table, as were the rest of the staff and some of the students. Harry really wanted to sit across from him, but he decided it would be too suspicious if, with so many seats at his disposal, he chose the one opposite the Potions Master he hated. So he sat down a few seats away, with Hagrid on the other side of the table. He greeted him and engaged in a discussion about a recently discovered branch of the Cornish dragon line. Everyone was talking quietly as they were still waiting for the rest of the students. Luna sat down next to Harry and gave him an even brighter smile than the day before. Everything seemed to be going well for her. Harry smiled inwardly. Well, if he's being honest, it was going well for him too.

This time the Headmaster didn't make any speech, so they could eat more quickly. Harry watched Severus out of the corner of his eye, who seemed to be deliberately avoiding his gaze. Well, apparently after what Harry did under the table yesterday, he wanted to keep their contact to a minimum. At the end of the meal, he saw Severus lean over to the Headmaster and whisper something into his ear. A bad feeling came over him. He stopped eating and watched as Professor Dumbledore frowned and looked at Severus and then at Tonks, who was sitting a few seats away. After a moment, the Headmaster nodded and returned to his meal. Harry looked at his plate. Suddenly he began to feel unpleasant pangs of conscience. If he hadn't gone to Snape at the evening, the man probably wouldn't have found out about the unfortunate end to the Hogsmeade party. And now Tonks will be in trouble. He knew Snape wouldn't let it pass for her.

Damn it!

When breakfast was over, the Headmaster walked up to Tonks and whispered something in her ear before leaving the Great Hall with her and Snape.

Luna looked at him questioningly. Harry shrugged, pretending he didn't know what was going on and feeling like a complete bastard. He ate the rest of what was on his plate and quickly slipped out of the Great Hall, returning to his dormitory and avoiding talking to anyone, especially to Luna.

He lay down on the bed and sighed. What was he supposed to do now? Apart from spending time with Snape, he had no plans for these days off. He should visit Hagrid, he promised him yesterday that he would visit him, but at the moment he doesn't really--

He jumped in fear when he heard a knock on the window. Fawkes was sitting on the windowsill. Harry blinked in surprise and went to the window to open it. The phoenix held a small piece of paper in its beak. He handed it to Harry, spread his magnificent wings sparkling in the sun, and flew away.

Harry returned to bed, feeling an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach, and opened the note.

Harry, I would like to ask you to come to my office immediately. It's very important.

Albus Dumbledore

He swallowed.

Well, he's in trouble...

***

Harry left the Headmaster's office feeling as if he had just fought a whole host of Death Eaters. Only when he got downstairs did he stop hearing the screams coming from the room.

He could still feel Severus and Tonks' eyes on him when Professor Dumbledore told him to tell his version of the events of the party and his return to Hogwarts. He still remembered that feeling of being torn between his loyalty to Snape and his sympathy for Tonks. It was a terrible feeling, standing there and not being able to say a word, because no matter what he said, he would bring down Nymphadora, and Severus was giving him a look that said 'if you try to defend her, you'll be in big trouble!'

What the hell was he supposed to do?

He finally muttered that he didn't remember much, that there was alcohol at the party and that everyone was drinking it, but Tonks didn't seem to know about it. With a burning look on the back of his neck, he added that it was possible that she knew, but she didn't expect that everyone got so drunk and that they didn't want to get her in trouble. And while coming back to the castle with everyone, he really didn't remember much and it was true what Professor Snape said, that Harry fell asleep in the corridor and the professor woke him up and helped him get to the dormitory.

He didn't think he'd ever felt so embarrassed in his life, not counting the situation after drinking the Desideria Intima potion during class.

As soon as Harry finished, Severus again went on the attack on the completely wrecked Tonks.

"Now you see, Headmaster, what hiring Aurors can lead to." Severus said the word like the worst insult. "First, Potter almost died because of that madman Moody, and now your dear Golden Boy finds himself in danger again due to the incompetence of another Auror. Next time the boy couldn't be so lucky."

Harry's soft interjection that 'it wasn't the real Moody' was completely ignored by Severus. The man seemed to wallow in hatred towards Nymphadora and her every mistake was like a triumph for him. Anyway, Tonks, red with anger, did not owe him.

"Yes, and in your care he would certainly be safe! All you can do is talk, and when you need to prove yourself, you hide in some dark hole in your dungeon! Where were you the last year when--?"

The sudden change in pressure told Harry that Tonks had gone too far and that Snape was on the verge of exploding.

The man was next to her in a few steps and with a deadly icy voice he hissed straight into her face. "You impudent ignorant woman, I know spells that you have never dreamed of. You better not go for any walks at night, otherwise some unfortunate accident may happen to you and you will be sent to Mungo for a very long rest."

"Severus!" The Headmaster's voice was raised and extremely stern. "I don't want this type of comments. You are both members of the teaching staff."

Seeing Severus practically vibrating with rage, Harry would rather face a herd of Hungarian horntails than be alone with Snape in such a state at this moment.

Fortunately, the Headmaster spared him further suffering, thanked him for his help and asked him to leave, and Harry had never felt so relieved to leave the room. The situation was not very cheerful. He knew Severus could say some mean things when he was angry, but he never expected him to go so far as to threaten another teacher in the presence of the Headmaster.

Why did he hate Tonks so much? Severus didn't seem to like Aurors in general, and maybe that was the main factor. Besides, sometimes it seemed to him that Severus hated everyone in the world. His parents, Sirius, Lupin, Tonks, the Weasleys, his friends, all the students at school and probably all the teachers as well. Perhaps the only exception was Dumbledore. Or it was just some kind of respect and Severus carefully hid his hatred.

What about him then? After everything that happened between them... After the last night...

No, Harry was almost certain that he was probably the only person in the world that Severus didn't hate. And that was a very nice feeling.

He smiled at his thoughts and suddenly realized that he had already reached the dormitory. Well, he might as well take Hagrid's present and go to him now. Maybe then he'd stop thinking about Snape. For a moment.

***

He spent almost the entire afternoon at Hagrid's place. The half-giant really liked the dragon harness Harry gave him. He received a bracelet made of Crackwats tusks as a gift, because, as Hagrid explained to him, these animals change their teeth from time to time, and their tusks are extremely rare and precious, and so "fricking cool".

Yes, Harry had to agree that long, pin-sharp, yellowish fangs were very cool. Especially when they look like they're digging into your wrist.

His friend poured him iron-strong tea with milk, and they chatted for a long time about various Hogwarts matters and the strangest animals Hagrid had ever encountered. Later, the half-giant took Harry to the Forbidden Forest to show him how his Crackwats had grown. For about half an hour they made their way through the snow-covered bushes to reach a clearing that Harry was completely unfamiliar with. They lurked in the bushes, Hagrid asked him to cast a camouflage spell on them and they waited.

"Whenever the weather is sunny, they come out to feed because they like to bask in the sun while tearing their victims into pieces and eating them."

"Uhm," Harry muttered quietly, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible because he really didn't like the part about tearing and eating.

"Oh, there's one! Do you see it?" Hagrid stretched out his large hand, pointing to an armored, six-legged creature the size of a wardrobe that emerged from the trees. Three pairs of eyes shining in the sun and a jaw full of cool yellow fangs completed the terrifying sight. The last time he saw these creatures, they were up to his waist, and now--

He involuntarily stepped back and stepped on a branch lying under the snow, which broke, making an extremely loud sound.

The animal turned around quickly and fixed its entire set of coal-black eyes on where Harry was standing.

"Er... Hagrid." Harry tried to speak silently, but he realized that he wasn't very good at it. "Are you sure they won't attack us?"

"No, if I were sure, we wouldn't camouflage ourselves, right? So watch where you're stepping your feet, 'cause they can be all-firedly fast, and I don't have Pointfeet needle powder with me."

"What?" Harry stopped, afraid to move his foot even a millimeter.

"The kind of powder that works best on Crackwats bites. It extracts the venom and dries the wound. Apparently in healing books they write that the best healing potion is the elixir made from Frogster's spawn, but I tried it once and the wound made me weep for two weeks. I almost popped my clogs. Fortunately, the friend I'd bought the Crackwats eggs from sent me an owl and suggest I should try and get some Pointfeet needles, grind them into pulp and put them on the wound. And can you believe that after just two days it was over? You would have to write to the wise minds who write these books to add it. They don't know enough about it. But I'm not surprised, after all, they were discovered recently. I mean, Crackwats, not healing wizards, of course."

Harry listened with half an ear, watching as the huge creature lunged at a hare running nearby and broke its neck with one snap of its jaws equipped with pin-sharp fangs. Harry doubted that any powder would be able to help him if the same thing happened to his arm, leg or head, for example.

He asked Hagrid to get away from the place as quickly as possible because 'he was already cold' and with relief he headed back to the cottage.

"What about these attacks? Has anything changed?" he asked, seemingly casually, but he felt the half-giant tense.

"You know, Harry, I'm not allowed to talk to you about this."

"I won't tell anyone, Hagrid," he pressed. He was really curious.

"I know, but the Headmaster would skin me if he found out I told you about it."

Harry sighed. Okay, it can wait. Eventually, Hagrid will blurt out someday. He knew him enough to be almost sure of that.

They reached the cottage, talked for a while and then returned to the castle for lunch. Neither Severus nor Tonks were at the meal. It seemed like they couldn't bear to look at each other, and to avoid each other's company, they simply decided to avoid places where they could meet. Harry only sincerely hoped that the Headmaster didn't let them kill each other. Luna was unusually silent and looked distressed. And once again, looking at his friend's lowered head, Harry felt strong remorse.

It was all, absolutely everything, his fault. He had to do something, he had to somehow--

Damn it!

After finishing the meal, he asked her to meet him on the grounds in half an hour and ran to his dormitory to get a gift for her. While visiting Hogsmeade for Christmas shopping, he had difficulty choosing something that would suit Luna and her unusual image. But in the end he decided on a headgear in the shape of an extra hand sticking out of the skull, which moved and grabbed everything in its reach, and a levitating bag decorated with fingernails painted in various patterns and colors. He sincerely hoped they were artificial.

Luna was delighted with the gifts. "Oh Harry, I've always wanted to have a third arm! Just think what you could do with it. For example, you can scratch people's necks or catch the Nargles." Harry kept his thoughts to himself that he might as well do it with his other two hands. "I also have a gift for you, but because of... I mean, for some reason completely unrelated to me, I completely forgot about it. I'll bring it to you in a moment."

"There's no need to." Harry stopped his friend and swallowed.

How can you apologize to someone in such a way that they don't know that you want to apologize to them, because in fact, they shouldn't know that you should apologize to them at all?

Okay, that's more or less what it was about.

He brushed the snow off the bench and sat down on it. Luna placed her hat on her head and watched as the hand dangled in front of her eyes.

"Uhm..." he started a little uncertainly, still not knowing how to say it. "Did you hear about that row between Snape and Tonks?"

Luna's face suddenly tensed, but she tried not to let it show. She pushed away the hand that was trying to grab her nose and she stared at the trampled snow.

Harry took a deep breath. "The Headmaster called me into his office because Snape accused Tonks of not being able to take care of us and of putting us in danger. Because I... I accidentally run into him when we were walking back to the castle." What a liar you are, Harry Potter! "So he got angry and ran to the Headmaster and a fight broke out and now I feel very sorry that Tonks got into trouble because of me. I'm really sorry. And so I thought that maybe... That I would like to tell someone about it so that I can get it out, and all I have here is you and..." He better finish it, because something really stupid might happen soon. "I tried to stop him, but you know what he is like. I just wanted to say this. That I'm very sorry."

He looked at Luna and found that she was staring at him with strangely narrowed eyes. She looked like her mind was wandering somewhere far away. Or maybe very close.

"Okay," she finally said quietly. "It's not your fault. And... I'm glad you know."

He looked at her with surprise. The Ravenclaw's eyes were shining. Once again, Harry had the strange feeling that she knew so much more and saw so much deeper than most people.

"I... I figured it out during the party," he said softly. "At first, I only suspected this, but when I saw how you're--" making out and snuggling-- "looking at each other and how you're behaving in each other's company, I was almost sure. I know what to pay attention to, because I also--"

"I'm really glad you know. Tonks... she didn't want anyone to know. But you're my friend, Harry. Right?"

"Of course," the boy assured quickly, hearing the hesitation in the Ravenclaw's voice.

"Well, I've wanted to tell you for a long time. So that we both have a secret and it won't be... that hard."

That hard...

"Uh-huh," Harry muttered, not knowing what to say. He was always bad at these types of conversations. Especially when it came to the topic of his relationship with Severus.

"When you have someone next to you who understands you, it's much, much easier. But please... don't tell him anything. He hates Nymphadora and... I know you're together, Harry, and I'm sorry, but... I'm scared."

Harry felt a pang in his stomach. He knew perfectly well what Luna could be afraid of, but he would rather throw himself into a herd of Crackwats than worry her even more and see the sadness in her large, always optimistic eyes.

"You won't lose her. I won't tell him anything, I promise."

Because he said it a long time ago... so it wasn't entirely a lie. Right?

Luna smiled brightly and untangled the hand that was trying to tangle her hair.

"Naughty hand! If you keep behaving like this, I will tie you up!" The hand withdrew and extended its middle finger to her. "It's fantastic!" Luna looked as if she had completely forgotten about the earlier conversation, and Harry felt a stream of relief run down his spine. "Here, carry my purse." She put the grip of the purse to the menacing fist and waved at Harry. "See you later. I have a very urgent meeting with You-Know-Who. Thank you very much for the gifts."

Harry watched her go, bouncing carelessly in the crunching snow, and for the first time in his life he wished he could do that. How much simpler the world could become...

He sat in the cold for a while and returned to his dormitory. He had already taken care of everything and now he had absolutely nothing to do. It was the holidays and probably no one was going to do anything today, so all he could do was lie in bed for the rest of the afternoon.

He lay down on the sheets, put his hands behind his head and stared at the ceiling above his bed.

There was a velvety silence in the castle. He was the only Gryffindor to stay at Hogwarts for the holidays, and although he was alone, he didn't feel lonely at all. He could finally rest, he could finally do what he wanted. At last he could just lie on his bed for a few hours and think, undisturbed by anyone, unbothered by Ron trying to get him to play Exploding Snap, nor by Neville asking for help with his studies, nor Hermione bothering him with the homework. He finally had time to think about everything that happened last night and last night.

There was only him, and the memories.

He closed his eyes and recalled what it felt like to feel Severus' warm lips on his skin. He put his hand under his shirt and placed it on his chest. He tried to feel where Snape's lips were touching him with his fingers, but he knew it was impossible.

He still couldn't believe everything that had happened. But it was so real... Severus' fingers and mouth and hands were all over him. And his tongue... Oh yes, the tongue. He couldn't help the sudden tightening in his loins as he remembered that hot tongue sliding lower and lower across his back until it finally reached his entrance and Harry felt an explosion of heat brush against that special spot.

Severus Snape. Licked him. THERE.

Every time he thought about it, he felt dizzy. In his mind's eye he saw that dark head buried between his buttocks, the long tongue slithering out between the thin lips and the wet tip touching his entrance.

He shuddered and squeezed his eyes shut as he felt another tug in his loins.

He was sure of one thing. He had never felt something so... unimaginably wonderful in his life. Not counting, of course, every orgasm Snape brought him to.

He remembered almost every breath, both his and Severus'. Every touch, every push. Every kiss. Because Snape was kissing him. Maybe not in the mouth, but anywhere he could reach. And it still seemed extraordinary to him. And too good to be true. But it was! Yes, it certainly was absolutely real!

Also the way their hands looked intertwined. How warm Snape's hand was, warmed by Harry's grip, how large it seemed compared to his, and how it crushed his fingers as Severus came inside him? and Harry could watch it all. Snape allowed him to do so. He let him drink this wonderful sight from his face and enjoy it. And Harry did it to his heart's content.

Beg.

The voice that said the word was so sharp that it cut through his mind like a blade cutting through fog, and it still made every muscle and nerve in his body spasm painfully.

Why was it that whenever he remembered this word, it was as if everything inside him stopped for a split second and tried to tear him apart from the inside? Why, even though he dared to think about tenderness in bed more and more often, did this type of behavior on Severus's part still bring him to an almost instant orgasm?

He sighed and rolled over, drawing his legs up.

On top of that, after everything Severus had given him, after everything he had given him... he stayed with him. That was the biggest surprise. He thought Snape was going to get up and just walk away, but he moved closer to him and started petting him.

Harry squeezed his eyes shut even tighter, wanting to recall the feeling of absolute relief he felt when Snape's hand gently stroked his hair. He wondered if it would ever happen again? Was it just a one-off gesture? He wished, he wished so much, that Severus would stay with him more often, so that he could feel his closeness, his comforting touch. So that he can feel this unity again.

He managed to take the next difficult step, topple the next wall out of all the walls surrounding Severus. Or maybe even several of them in one go?

He tried not to think about that cold morning, about the fact that Snape hadn't hugged him or returned any gesture. Because even if he wanted to, he couldn't explain it to himself.

Maybe he was just angry? Maybe he's always in a bad mood in the morning? How could Harry know that when it was the first time he saw him so early in the morning?

Yes, that's definitely it. Well, what else could change in one night?

The memories of the night almost instantly brought back memories of the dream, and Harry quickly closed his mind against the waves of fear rushing through him.

It was just a stupid dream. He won't recall it! He will not!

He must think about Severus. Only about him and everything he received from him. Severus hugged him, and he kissed his temple, and his hand.

Harry opened his eyes and looked at the inside of his hand.

He never even imagined that it could all come this far. That he will make it this far. After all, at the beginning... Severus couldn't even bring himself to hug him. And now he was doing all these things and...

Harry suddenly held his breath as a thought entered his mind and began to scream in his ear.

Of course. After all, Snape... was learning. He was learning from Harry. He was learning every little gesture.

When Harry started hugging him, after some time the man also started hugging him. It took some effort, but he finally achieved it. And now he didn't even have to ask to get it. Then Harry started kissing his neck and ear. During their first time in the chair. And Severus did the same when Harry came to him and gave him a blow job at the door. He kissed him on the neck. And then he licked his his ear when Snape humped him at the door after the situation with Ginny in the bathroom.

He imitated him. He imitated him from the very beginning.

Harry remembered stroking the man's face when he came to him in his depression and Snape comforted him. And a few days later, when Harry gave him a birthday present, Severus did the same. He stroked him too.

And now...

Harry looked at his open hand.

And now he kissed his hand. Just like Harry had done many times. Not to mention kissing his chest, nipples, and anything else the man's hungry mouth could reach.

Yes, Severus learned from him. He learned tenderness and a certain delicacy. Why didn't he see this before?

So was it possible... that Harry could teach him something else? Something he really wanted. Maybe Snape... maybe he could also... take his penis into his mouth someday?

The very idea seemed absurdly unlikely to him at the moment, but after what had happened recently and what Harry now understood, he was beginning to feel a little bit of hope.

He wondered what it would be like to feel warm lips pressing against the head and a hot tongue sliding along the shaft... No one had ever done anything like that to him. And judging by Snape's reactions when Harry did this to him, it must have been an irresistible feeling. Maybe Severus doesn't do it because he doesn't know Harry would want him to? Until now, every time he wanted something, he made it known in some way. Of course, he wasn't an idiot and he knew there were some things Severus would never give him, but after last night Harry had to reassess some of his desires and found that some of them were starting to come within his reach. And he really would be an idiot if he didn't try to get them.

So he decided. He would have to somehow show Severus that he would also like to feel his lips and tongue on his penis.

Merlin, the thought alone was driving him crazy.

He shook his head, trying to clear the image of the black hair brushing against his thighs and those thin lips opening to swallow the glistening head of his cock.

Damn it!

Now he was really starting to have trouble breathing and bulge in his pants.

He rolled onto his back again, opening his eyes and taking a deep breath.

If he thought about it all, he also learned many things from Severus. He remembered his initial shyness when he couldn't even form a single sensible sentence in front of Severus. What he discovered after drinking the potion completely changed his attitude towards this man. All the ferocity and arrogance with which he usually spoke to him was gone. Every time he saw Snape he felt ashamed and embarrassed, and that didn't help him have at least a bearable conversation. But in all this time he had learned a certain kind of sass. He became immune to his malicious comments and was able to respond to them. He became more confident. He allowed himself more and more, he moved forward, balancing on a thin line, and when he fell off it... he always managed to catch it somehow.

It was actually weird. Now, as he thought back on a few situations like this that had happened recently... he noticed a pattern. Every time he tried to escape or get away... Severus stopped him. Always. He never let him slip away, as if he was trying to keep him at all costs, as if he had tied him on an invisible leash that he only loosened occasionally, and when Harry got too far away, he immediately pulled him back to himself.

He had no idea why such thoughts had entered his head. But he enjoyed them. He knew it meant something, but he didn't dare jump to any conclusions just yet. It just felt like he had been given an extra line under his other foot so he could always keep his balance. Because now he knew... well, he suspected... that Severus would keep him. And that was a nice feeling. As nice as knowing that Severus was learning all these gestures from him. Even though Harry wasn't an expert on tenderness himself.

For the first eleven years of his life, he never received a single kiss, nor a single hug, nor a single kind word. Back then he thought it was meant to be. That he doesn't deserve it. He could only watch as Aunt Petunia petted, cuddled, and kissed her "sweet Dudley" and wondered what it would be like to feel it himself. But he quickly abandoned such thoughts, thinking that if he didn't get it, he obviously didn't really deserve it. The Dursleys always told him that. That he is useless, that he is not entitled to anything, and Harry didn't even try to reach for it, knowing that none of it was for him.

Then he found himself at Hogwarts. A place full of laughing, nice people who told him that he deserved everything best, and he found himself in the arms of Mrs. Weasley, who showed him what it was like to feel loved, what it was like to feel close and warm. And then there was Hermione, who hugged him every chance she got, and every little gesture he received became extremely important to him. For him, it became a synonym for attachment, tenderness and that incredible feeling of warmth in his heart that warmed his insides and it seemed to him that a bright light was burning inside him that would never allow him to sink into loneliness again, and into the darkness.

He was kissed, hugged, petted, and it was nice, but he never felt much of a need to reciprocate. These gestures were too important to him and he wanted to give them to someone special. And now he had met this special person and he couldn't stop giving him everything he had learned. And he wanted to teach him that too. Pass this "knowledge" on. He wanted Severus to feel that warmth and affection as well. And he thought he'd succeeded. Even though he still didn't know much about... love.

He remembered how sometimes Uncle Vernon and Dudley used to go out to do some 'guy stuff', which probably involved sitting by the river for half the day with a stick in hand, waiting for some stupid fish to fall for that strange red thing floating above its head. Harry used to stay with his Aunt Petunia, who loved watching all kinds of Argentinian and Brazilian TV series. Sometimes, out of boredom, he hid behind the door and tried to watch it with her. He always wondered why these people acted so idiotically, as if their brains had been eaten by the Wrackspurts, as Luna would say. They stared at each other for half an hour, sighing at each other and taking turns repeating each other's names a hundred times, while Aunt Petunia sniffed and wiped her eyes with a tissue.

For most of his childhood, love looked like this to him. He always got bored with these movies and after fifteen minutes he would go do something else, telling himself that he would rather eat a giant octopus than ever behave like that.

One day, when he was twelve and on vacation with the Dursleys, his views were instantly verified. He was left alone at home for the night and could watch TV as much as he wanted. And while flipping through the channels, he came across something strange. He saw a man and a woman, completely naked and doing some contortions. They were both panting and moving strangely. And even though he didn't know what it meant yet, he felt an unusual warmth in his stomach and lower parts of his body, and for the next few days he walked around with a blank look on his face and the image of these people before his eyes, unable to understand what was happening to him.

He liked this much more than sighing at someone and repeating someone's name. In his third year, he told Ron about it, but Ron just blushed and asked him not to mention it in front of his mother, nor Hermione.

In his fourth year, he was first exposed to adult magazines, which Seamus stole from his older cousins. It was a wizarding magazine, so the couples in the photos moved like they did in the movie Harry had watched. All the boys in the dormitory, except for Neville, who sat in the corner blushing as a peony, stared at the pictures with shining eyes and sighed at the women in the pictures. Sometimes even at those ones where there was no man next to them. They showed each other their breasts and smiled ambiguously. Harry tried to imitate them, but he couldn't help but feel aroused only by photos of the couple. Back then, he didn't know why, yet.

At the end of the year he decided to perform an experiment. He borrowed one magazine from Seamus and in the middle of the night, when everyone was asleep, he opened it and started touching himself. And when he first felt this unimaginable wave of pleasure consuming his entire body, he thought he was about to die of happiness. Fifteen minutes later he did it again. He was so turned on that it only took him a few strokes to come. He also quickly learned to remove traces of his antics. He spent half the summer surrounded by the magazines he ordered, and when he returned to Hogwarts in his fifth year, he decided to try to experience the same thing in real life. But his shyness towards girls thwarted all his plans. He couldn't help it, he couldn't talk to them. He really liked Cho. Or at least that's what he thought at the time. And even though the couples making out in the photos started to excite him less and less, he kept trying, especially when he heard about Dean and Seamus' holiday "adventures".

However, the only thing he managed to achieve was a kiss with Cho. Which turned out to be a complete failure. He always thought he would feel the same heat that flooded him when he touched himself, imagining couples making love, especially men fucking their partners. And he didn't know why, but it was men who always caught his eye. Their wide chests, their hair stretching from the navel down, their massive, erect penises and round, soft testicles...

Eventually, it came to the point that he masturbated only with the image of a man in front of his eyes, and that was the only way he could get aroused and come. He was more and more terrified of this, especially when his friends kept admiring the upturned buttocks and breasts of naked women. And he suspected he probably shouldn't tell them about it.

He kept pretending that he liked girls and even tried to convince himself that it was true. That it's only temporary and that it will go away soon. However, after Sirius' death, he forgot everything. About both women and men. He was in such a bad mental state throughout the entire vacation that he didn't even think about it for a second. And that suited him. Returning to Hogwarts lifted his spirits a bit. The beginning of the school year passed extremely quickly and Harry's thoughts never once wandered towards naked men.

Until Snape made him drink the Desideria Intima potion.

And then everything collapsed. Harry already knew that what he felt was real. And he couldn't fight it. No more.

So he gave up.

And now he slept in Snape's bedroom. And he made love to him. He felt happy. And he wanted it to stay that way.

He rolled over and smiled at his thoughts.

The clock in the Common Room struck dinner time.

***

Harry turned over in the bed once again. He couldn't sleep. An extraordinary emptiness and silence surrounded him. He didn't hear Ron's snores or Neville's ragged breathing.

He was completely alone. And if it hadn't bothered him during the day, now he felt anxious, and longing. He couldn't help but miss Severus. He misses his smell and touch. He curled up in the fetal position, imagining that the pillow he was cuddling up to was Snape's shoulder.

It didn't help, though. The fear was born in the darkness, reaching out for him with its claws, and he was alone and unable to defend himself against them. He didn't want to have the same dream again as he had the night before, so he took two sips of the Dreamless Sleep Potion before going to bed.

Severus showed up for dinner and Harry felt an indescribable joy in being able to simply look at him, even if they were several meters away from the wooden table. He really wanted to do what he had done the night before, which was to go straight to his place after dinner, but the man didn't look at him once, as if he hadn't even considered that option, and Harry simply returned to the dormitory and lay down in the cold bed.

Now he regretted that decision, though.

He took a green stone from under the pillow and stared at it for a moment.

He knew what kind of response he would get if he tried to send Severus a question asking if he could come over to his place for the night.

Of course not, you stupid boy! would probably be the most euphemistic version.

Harry sighed and put the stone back under his pillow. He looked at the dark vault and decided.

Maybe it would be better to just go and see for himself? If he gets there, maybe Snape won't dismiss him. It was an extremely optimistic thought, but he decided to keep it to himself, otherwise he would never dare to do it.

He slipped out of bed in his pajamas, put on his shoes, took his cloak and the Marauder's Map from his trunk, and after first checking to make sure Severus was in his chambers, he made the long journey from the tower to the dungeons. Fortunately, with the students gone, Filch had reduced his nightly patrols around the castle to almost a minimum and Harry had no problems getting downstairs.

He stopped in front of the oak door and took a deep breath, then raised his hand to knock, but before he could, the door opened and let him inside.

Had Snape never removed the spell that recognized Harry and allowed him to freely enter his office?

The Gryffindor felt a warm feeling in his stomach and smiled to himself before stopping in front of the door leading to the Potions Master's chambers. He took off his cloak and took a few breaths, feeling all his confidence leave him.

He finally came all the way here, though. He can't turn back now.

He raised his hand and knocked.

In the silence that followed, his heartbeat seemed far too loud.

Then he heard the creak of a door opening in the distance and footsteps. He held his breath when he saw the doorknob move. It was too late to escape. He just hoped Snape wouldn't kill him.

The door opened and Harry saw Severus dressed in his black, loose pajamas. The man's eyes narrowed as they fell on Harry, who, torpedoed by this hard, unfavorable gaze, was unable to utter a sound. He looked away and focused on the wall next to the dark figure of the man.

"I'm sorry I came here in the middle of the night," he finally blurted out, when his tongue was finally released from the roof of his mouth, "but I couldn't sleep and... and I missed you... and... Could I spend just one more night with you? I don't want to be alone. Please."

There was silence for a moment, and Harry didn't know whether the louder sound was his heartbeat or his rapid breathing. Severus didn't speak. He just stared at him with furrowed brows, as if he was thinking very deeply about his answer.

The silence stretched on. Harry slowly lost hope.

He knew it was stupid, that he shouldn't have come here in the middle of the night. He should have turned and left, not invited himself into Snape's bedroom again.

The moment he decided to do so, Severus moved. Harry looked at him and saw Snape move away from the door without a word and open it wider in an inviting gesture.

Harry's heart sang from the joy. At the last moment he held back the stupid grin that was trying to escape his lips. He only allowed himself a small smile as he walked through the door, feeling as if he had just come home.

He placed the map wrapped in a cloak on the armchair and, without waiting for the man, moved towards the bedroom. He just wanted to get to his bed as soon as possible. To this black, Severus-smelling bed.

The room was almost completely dark, the only light coming from the open door to the living room. Harry took off his glasses and placed them on the nightstand, then slipped under the covers and lay on the very edge of the bed, waiting for Snape. He doesn't even have to touch him. He just wanted to feel his presence. That was enough for him. Just being able to stay here filled him with joy.

He heard footsteps and the door closing quietly, and after a moment, the mattress next to him sagged. When Severus finally settled down and stilled, the room fell silent.

Harry felt as if every rustle in the silky silence was louder than a firecracker, so he didn't dare move. He lay on his side, trying not to even breathe and listening to Severus' calm breathing.

Finally he couldn't stand it anymore. As carefully as he could, he rolled over, facing the man. He didn't see him. The bedroom was the kind of thick darkness you could cut into slices. Harry wanted to distract it with something.

He moved his hand in the darkness and found Severus' hand resting on the bedclothes. He stroked it. Gently, barely grazing the skin.

"Thank you," he whispered, unable to understand why his voice was so hoarse.

Severus didn't answer. Instead, he grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently.

Harry held his breath, feeling a warmth rise in his chest. He didn't try to remove his hand. He knew it was the kind of hug that could last a long time. Even all night long.

 

* "Comatose" by Skillet